The King of Wrong Thinking

I love a nice surprise, don't you? Pretty flowers, delivered to your workplace-- that ought to make any red-blooded American girl dizzy with glee. Except in this case, my "We've-never-met-but-aren't-you-impressed-with-my-thoughtfulness" suitor had it very wrong. Very wrong.

My Mistake #1: Since he were a first-time visitor, and from out of town, I trusted him with my confidential incall address (just the condo building, not the apt number, thank God) so he could Mapquest it ahead of time.

His Mistake #1: Without asking if it was welcome, appropriate, OK or even possible to have flowers delivered to me there, giving that address to a local florist and sending flowers to "Tabu" the day before our appointment.

General disaster #1: Getting a call on my "Tabu" phone from Joe Florist, asking loudly at my condo building entrance, "Hey is this TABU? What's the code for your apartment? Can you buzz me in, I've got flowers for you!"

Me, from 10 miles away in Ft Lauderdale: "WHAT?! Flowers? Where are you?"

He names my exact address. Me: (thinking) WTF?? "I'm sorry, but I'm nowhere near there right now."

Joe Florist:"Well, is there someone else I could leave them with? A neighbor? I can buzz someone from the intercom here..."

Me: "No! Can you just leave them by the door? Or take them back to the shop?"

Joe Florist: "Is there a manager's office I can leave them at? '

Me (thinking, oh, yes, I'll go identify myself as "Tabu" so I can retrieve them!) "No, please just take them back, maybe I can pick them up later."

Joe Florist: "Well, OK."

Now I catch my breath and think-- what if this whole thing was a set-up? LE could use the "flowers" routine as an excuse to get my apartment number, maybe spring a little surprise on me. So I Google Joe Florist and find the shop.

"Did you have a delivery for (my address) this morning?" I ask the polite girl who answers.

"Let me see," she replies. "Is this Tabu? Yes, I just got a call from my delivery man, he said he spoke with you and you seemed a little reluctant to to help him make the delivery."

I make an attempt to sound normal and say, "I'm sorry, I have to be very cautious because I rarely give out that address... I had a stalker and I'm very nervous when someone seems to be looking for me."

"Oh, I'm sorry," she replies, "we didn't know. Would like to pick them up later today? I can keep them for you here. "

"That would be great," I assure her. "Thank you very much. Oh, but before I let you go, can you tell me who sent these flowers? I wasn't expecting anything."

"Oh, no problem... let's see.. the card reads "Have a wonderful day, blah-blah, signed "Very Distinctive Nickname."

Ahhh. Mr. Distinctive Nickname- my client scheduled for the next morning. I look up the cell number he provided me and give the gent a call... fortunately for him, I get his voicemail.

"Um, Nickname, this Tabu. I know this going to sound very strange, because I can't imagine that you would do this-- but did you happen to send flowers to me today? I had a deliveryman looking all over for me at my incall address... and I don't live there, I try to keep a very low profile there, I'm only there when I have an appointment. Anyway, it made me a little crazy that it could have been LE, so can you please call me back and just let me know if it was you? They said the card was signed with someone whose nickname was very similar to yours."

And what a surprise. Maybe Nickname gave it a little thought before he arrived the next morning for his appointment... because he blithely denied being the sender.

"You must have another admirer," he remarks innocently.

Yes, I'm sure I do. But hopefully not as wrong-thinking as a certain someone who probably meant well, but clearly gave the gesture no thought whatsoever.

The upshot of all this.... I carried through like a pro and gave the fellow the best session I was capable of. But underneath, all I could think about was: you f--ked up, you were called on it, and instead of owning up like a man, and saying, gee, I'm sorry, I should have asked you if it was OK to put you in a very awkward position... you squirreled out of it and expected me to like it.

Well, you've got the wrong doormat, honey. I didn't berate the issue... I didn't tell him I knew he was lying.. I didn't do a lot of things I was tempted to do.

But when he grows up to be the "experienced hobbyist" he bragged about being, maybe he'll learn about a little something called discretion. And being a man. That's the kind of client I like best.