Monday, July 30, 2007

Death by escort?

I rarely get upset, but this weekend I was stunned by a would-be client. After making an appointment and exchanging several emails about his desires, he canceled the day before the appointment. However, that's not the issue. This email is.

Sorry I haven't gotten back to you sooner, a day trip to NYC turned into the week. Worse than that, while I was gone, my wife discovered our e-mail traffic. Stupid me left w/o taking my laptop with me and also left it in standby. Long story short, when she opened it, your last e-mail was on the screen.
So, unfortunately, you will not be hearing from me for a while, but if things continue, you could hear a lot more from me in the not too distant future.

My reply:

Dear Joe:

If that was indeed what happened, you have been careless with more than your own behavior-- you have compromised my security as well. I don't need vengeful wives knowing my email and website.

There is more than one party at risk here. If you do hobby in the future, I would urge you to consider your actions a lot more thoughtfully.

Unfortunately, I won't be able to make your acquaintance at this point. I hope you understand why.



If a client wants to get caught by his wife-- leaving hobby-related email on the screen of your computer at home?-- I really don't care. But don't use me or any other honest escort as the weapon of your self-destruction.

An escort's job is risky enough. Cops, stalkers, thieves, rapists-- they're all among the lovely folks we have to guard against. But when self-absorbed clients add themselves to the list...

When I hear a woman's voice on my phone today or next week, I want it to be another escort, calling for a reference. Not Mrs. Joe.

This weekend, I had to remind myself that my smart and discreet clients are the joy of my working life. Now, if you could only educate the rest of them.


FOLLOWUP: After I posted this on the The Erotic Review, one gent had this to say in response:

The guy made a mistake, what do you want? It will almost certainly hurt him more than it will you. Don't use e-mail then. There's somebody pretty self-absorbed here, but it isn't Mr. Joe.

My reply:

You're absolutely right, Bob-- I AM self-absorbed... especially when it comes to my personal safety and peace of mind.

One of the reasons I was particularly upset by this occurrence-- not the first one, mind you-- is that in this fellow's blithe little note, he showed NO remorse and NO recognition that he put me at risk as well as himself.

And this is where you come in. But because some people can't be trusted to use the brains God gave them, you suggest I should give up using email.

I guess notebook paper is out as well-- last year, I had a wife call me and threaten to spray-paint "Whore" on my front door-- after she found directions to my incall in her husband's pants pocket.

So let's see-- I guess that leaves the phone as a safe option. Unless you count the fellow who recently left a message for me to call him right back... and when I did, his wife answered. Yes, he was at home-- with wifey in the next room.

Until some clients start thinking defensively, I really don't think that escorts should be expected to give up all forms of normal communication to keep them safe.

Oh, wait-- I've got it... smoke signals! Maybe that would work. One puff for "Yes," two for "No," three for "I'm an idiot."

respectfully yours,


Thursday, July 26, 2007

No Batteries Required (Or, what makes Tabu hum!)

We're all grownups here, so let's be frank. Between my hobby (swinging) and our hobby (the Hobby!), your little vixen gets some action. So, you might ask, does that mean that I'm a constantly-seething cauldron of unmitigated passion?

Um, almost. The other day, I gleefully let my mind run free over all my favorite things... the little moments, gestures and fantasies that can make my panties sticky.... and I came up with the ones I always welcome with a wicked grin.

Not-to-be-denied erections. I admit it. There's something very fulfilling in making an ostensibly cool customer lose his cool-- and watching as he raises a tent-pole in his pants. (And darling, don't try to hide it with that throw pillow. Tabu sees all, knows all, and conquers all.)

The Stevie Wonder head roll. Yes, I may be kneeling between your legs. My mouth may be too full to speak. But I'm sneaking a look at your rapturous expression... and when your eyes roll back in your head and a groan escapes from deep inside your composure, a little electricity travels right down my spine.

The partner in crime. Have I divulged one of my little kinks? Then bless you if you whisper those naughty somethings in my ear... and watch my reactions as you add an extra filigree of lust to the mix. You shall receive the kingdom of heaven.

Embracing your inner porn star. When the mood's right for raunch, you can't go wrong... so forget you're a doctor, a lawyer or that you play one on TV. When you become Tabu's boy-toy, the immediate forecast is wet. Very wet.

Swoon happens. Unforgettable moments unfold when the heat rises and we realize that we're dealing with a force larger than ourselves. That's when I like to lie back, surrender my will and give you everything between my ears and my legs. Feel the rush? It may be your tongue that's dissolving my self-control... or the tingle that translates from your fingertips.... or the room that's spinning on the axis of your hard cock.

Only two words are necessary here.

Take me.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Infamous! (And for all the right reasons!)

It never fails.... get me in an airport, and I set off the detectors. Tabu detectors, that is!

On my way to visit my sweet old folks last week, a surreptitious fan waylaid me in the Delta jetway--

sidling up to me from behind, he whispered,"Maybe I'll get to sit next to the INFAMOUS Tabu!"

Well, sorry, Charlie-- but you did make me laugh at 7AM... not the easiest task when my caffeine meter is still on LOW.

I'm so glad to be back home in Hollywood. I can only keep my tits tucked in for so long.

See you soon!

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Hobbyists

What separates a decently successful hobbyist (sometimes gets the girl he wants, strikes out as often as he hits, expends a lot of cell minutes trying to hook up)...

from the hobbyist who quietly and confidently enjoys the sensual delights of his absolute favorites?

After three years in this delicate dance, I've seen the good, the bad and absolutely unforgivable. In the process, I've learned a few things myself. So for the fellows who'd like to improve their average, I'm offering the following observations. May they help you score the big Kahuna, whoever she may be.

1. Highly Effective Hobbyists PLAN AHEAD. This is especially crucial when a lady's on tour. After I've advertised on my blog for 3-4 weeks, Eros for a week and announced on TER several times in advance of my arrival, I still get initial calls on the very last night of a tour. To my great amusement, these spontaneous souls are shocked that my time is already booked.

Would you wait for the night of the Prince concert to call TicketMaster? OK, then.

2. Highly Effective Hobbyists OFFER THEIR CREDENTIALS. If I don't know you, a one-line email stating, "Hi, I'm Joe, Are you available tonight?" is going straight into the trash. The reservation form on my website has been crafted to get just what I need from you-- no more, no less. And since many of us ladies also offer easy screening shortcuts through Date-Check, RS2K or Preferred 411, there's really no excuse for the old "I didn't realize you needed to know who I am" ploy.

Would you let a nameless, potentially nefarious stranger into your bedroom? OK, maybe if her tits were big enough. But we girls have tits of our own.

3. Highly Effective Hobbyists DO THEIR RESEARCH. Nothing charms a lady more than the fellow who asks her to reiterate every piece of information that's already on her website, her ad, her TER profile, or her blog.

Even the MILFs among us don't have the time or the inclination to spoon-feed you. After all, aren't you the boys who sent a man to the moon?

4. Highly Effective Hobbyists LEAVE THEIR EGO AT THE DOOR. We know you're a big man at work. Leagues of lowly-paid minions cower at your presence. But lording it over the lady you've selected for some very intimate companionship is simply bad form. Of the dozen or so clients whom I truly detested and will never see again, the main common denominator was arrogance.

Yes, we're here to please. But you know the saying.... if Momma ain't happy, then nobody's getting the goods.

5. Highly Effective Hobbyists LEAVE US WANTING MORE. You wouldn't linger at the party till the exhausted hosts stagger off to bed. So when you're enjoying the lady's company, be equally aware that when the party's over, it's over.

We want to feel regretful that you had to leave after only an hour... not remember that we had to drag your ass to the door after you camped out for an extra 30 minutes, sloooowly tying your shoes. That's what loafers are for.

6. Highly Effective Hobbyists LIKE WOMEN. As odd as it may sound, some of our clients resent us, look down on us, and simply don't have our best interests at heart. These are the fellows who quiz us on our private lives, ask our real names, disclose confidential details to other parties, or gossip about us to their other dates.

It wasn't attractive in high school, and you can't fit into those pants anymore, either.

7. Highly Effective Hobbyists KNOW IT'S JUST A HOBBY. Yes, we adore being your girlfriend for an hour or two... and when you're genuinely nice, we often have very fond feelings for your presence in our lives. So let's agree... we won't fall in love with you, call you at home, get our feelings hurt when you see another lady, or boil your rabbit.

Do the same by us, and we'll be good.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Why Johnny can't read, or, what the teacher's doing after school

This trip to Chitown has raised even my kink factor a little... and I have to love it when what appears to be a mild-mannered GFE boy devolves into a hot little freaky boy....

Yesterday, Miss Tabu was a loving schoolteacher, who had to hold her favorite student after class for a serious talk. While I was cleaning the blackboard, my sweet student carefully donned his fishnets and skirt, stuffed his bra and once into a long blond wig, emerged as "Amy."

Poor girl... she trembled as I sat close and reminded her that she was only 14... too young to be caught behind the bleachers, experimenting with boys. It was clearly my job to show her what boys can really do. After an intimate first-hand demonstration, she shudderingly agreed that Teacher knew best.

Detention was never like this.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Good news/Bad news... and espresso!

Damn, I love Chicago.

Some of my all-time favorite clients call this city home-- and don't they make me feel right at home every time I'm here?

This morning I get to see a charming example of old-school sexy... the man George Clooney wants to be when he grows up. Later, a creative young type who always makes for an interesting interlude. The next few days are punctuated with the anticipation of new friends and the warm glow of getting to know older friends all over again.

I'm sorry to say I had one regrettable cancellation so far- a 2-hour date on Wednesday afternoon. Darn business trips, don't you hate them? After all, what does London have that I don't? OK, Big Ben. But after that, it's close.

On the other hand, I had a lovely surprise when an old friend called yesterday. I can't wait to say hello with a delicious kiss.

And finally, when I woke up early this morning (I'm still on eastern time!) I explored my neighborhood for a decent cup of Joe. Voila! It's amazing how a little espresso makes everything hum.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

What's the forecast for CHICAGO??

When I was there in April, a freak blizzard made my nipples harder than the IQ test for Mensa. So this time, I'm bringing the heat with me! (Miami heat, that is!)

From Monday, July 9 to Thursday, July 12, a sultry breeze will be circling downtown... and with it, the warm promise of:

- delicious Tabu kisses
- pulse-quickening, full-press Tabu passion
- and explosive Tabu satisfaction

Do you like to slip into a little mental anticipation? Let the Mistress of Roleplay take you into a parallel universe of pleasure!

Any way you map it out, you'll be VERY glad you came.

Pre-booking highly recommended... RS2K, Date-Check and Preferred411 members given highest priority!

Traveling with playmate Allie for supreme duo delight!

Please don't wait to secure your assignation with mmmmmmm.

Touring gift: 350/hr, 550/1.5 hrs, 700/2 hours
Incall only, please.

Can't wait to get you wet!