A flaming sword: Truth, lies and double lives.

This week on TER, a hobbyist posted a rather repulsive question that's been haunting me like a bad song ever since. (I'm reproducing it here verbatim.)

How many woman live a double life? I've been a hobbiest for about 15 years and meet alot of wonderful ladies and not so wonderful. once in a while I get to know some of them as we talk before or after our session and they start to tell me that their boyfreinds dont know what they do or they have a regular job during the day. thats why they dont show their face. I got to admitte that turns me on a woman has some poor smuck at home thinking his woman is faithful to him or at their job she some teacher or lawer,admin assitant, any way I would love to here from some ladies and what kind of lies they tell thier spouse or freinds.

Wow. I couldn't wait to reply:

It's distasteful enough that many women have to lie to their loved ones about what they do. But to ask for sordid details about it-- for your own sexual titillation-- well, that's a pretty low source of amusement.

Lives can be ruined by lies and by truth. That so many of us have to balance on that tightrope isn't sexy. It's sad.

Several other folks pointed out to Mr. Sensitivity that men often live a double life as well... and the lies they tell their wives and family are hardly a sexy topic.

That's true enough, but let's be honest. The men who occasionally dabble in the hobby may have to account for their time and money with a lie or two... or three, depending on the level of their involvement. But lead a double life? That seems rather grand for the Ohio pharmacist who tickles his fancy at the annual convention in Toledo.

Providers, on the other hand, routinely juggle flaming swords. Law enforcement, psychos and the sexual whims of strangers go up in one throw; ruinous exposure to our family and friends comes down in another; and all the while, the floor tilts under the pressure of our own internal voice, chanting "What if? Then what? What kind of woman are you?"

A double life is almost necessarily a life in conflict. For our clients, I believe, the central conflict is hiding their true sexual nature under the veneer of monogamy. What their wives can't (or won't) give them-- variety, intimacy, excitement-- they find with us. While it's clearly a choice they are willing to make, I doubt there are too many men who really relish the subterfuge involved in seeing their ATF.

For the women who become providers, the conflict lurks under the veneer of our accommodating nature. We're wired to please. So it's a sweet moment to see that poor, needy soul achieve his moment of brilliance in our arms--- until the reality of the cold cash makes its equally compelling appearance.

Are we givers-- or takers? Our love is bought and paid for.... and I believe there exists many a fine provider who secretly loathes herself for accepting any payment other than gratitude. And to compound that ambivalence by half-truths and the emotional distance that secrecy imposes... well, there are many women who find it an unacceptable divide.

I don't live in that morass-- most of the time. In my evolution from a sexy girl to a sexy woman, then a swinger, then an escort, the joy and value of my sexuality has been drummed into me by sheer numbers. I'm thrilled to provide a thrill. And I've never been ashamed of being compensated for it.

But do I want to openly claim it as my birthright-- and with it, the scorn of society? Perhaps no more than my clients want to be labeled as tricks or johns. The unfortunate reality is that even in puritanical America, customers are readily forgiven. Providers are not.

Am I making a case for hookers as heroes? No. Am I making a case for cheating, lies, or bad faith between men and women? No again. But what I am making the case for is the recognition of what drives all of us: the need to be seen, be heard and achieve a sense of accomplishment and worth.

That white-hot sword drives a hard bargain. It's up to us whether it's worth it.