Playing the Numbers (A Life in Review)

Getting into the sex industry, like opening a Swiss bank account, is something many people dream of, but few actually experience. Lucrative, glamorous, and illicit... the appeal is understandable. The workings of the real thing-- a little more complicated than you'd think.

I know that when I decided to become Tabu, I was simply a sexy beginner. I'd figured I must be somewhat qualified to give it a try; I'd notched many a bedpost as a swinger and spent a lifetime honing my sexual skills. So at 40, I hoped, I'd be tucking a little extra maturity and business savvy in my g-string.

Well, I got up my nerve, had the SO take some pictures, and placed an ad on Eros. Within a month I found a stream of happy clients paying, playing and coming back for more.

Of course, my innocence couldn't last. One day a smiling customer asked, "Why don't you have any reviews? You should be on TER!"

I looked it up and realized that I had one more cherry to lose.

Like everyone who first logs on The Erotic Review, I made a startling discovery... that the culture of pay-to-play has as many aficionados as Fantasy Football-- and almost as many stats.

Literally thousands of professional escorts were profiled-- and each was scored by their customers on both looks and performance. To bolster the numerical scores, the clients fleshed out their impressions with detailed written "reviews"- some quite elaborate- that lovingly recreated the session they enjoyed.

Or not enjoyed. And there's the rub. Didn't float your client's boat? Whoops- your score reflected their disappointment.

8s, 9s and 10s are the gold standard. Average scores- 6s and 7s- well, you'll still make a living, but you'll be ordering the meatloaf, not the Maserati.

Who'd have thought there'd be a Consumer Reports for hookers?

So far, I've been lucky... with three years and more than 50 reviews under my garterbelt, my business has been enhanced by the credibility that my solid numbers provide. And I have yet to encounter the dreaded false review-- a made-up, sometimes detrimental account of a session, submitted by a player looking to achieve free membership on the site.

But I have been amused by the liberties some reviewers take with the truth... unless they really did take that provider to her 5th screaming O.

In the world of reviews, scores, and endless speculation over the virtues of provider A, B or C, some participants assure me that there's a clear parallel to the "real" world.

"Hey, I get a performance review, too, and my salary depends on how well my boss thinks I'm doing," a client once remarked to me.

"Of course you do," I agreed mildly. "But until your performance review is published on the Internet, with graphic details about the size of your cock, how well you went down on me, if you could f--k for an hour straight, and whether your belly's as flat as the GQ model I saw last week, then I'm not so sure you can really make the comparison."

Well, that ended that particular observation... but I have no delusions that my life on the review boards will end until I decide I'm finished with Tabu.

When I do decide to hang up the stilettos, I'll be a little sad, to be sure. But in honor of my many friends who have graced me with their approval, I can only hope I'll go out with a bang.

That's a 10 worth wishing for.