I'll admit that every once in a while, a little vibration can do a body good.
And some girls I know (don't worry, darlings, I won't name names!) would give up their birthrights for a brand-new D battery and a Daniel Craig movie.
But things have gone too far when the beauty industry gets in on the act.
Just in time for Christmas, Lancome introduces Oscillation, the mascara with a vibrating wand (7000 oscillations a minute! as the ad breathlessly proclaims.)
For a mere $34, every girl on the block can give her eyelashes the ultimate thrill... something that clumsy Rabbit, Bullet or John Holmes replica meat-wand can never do.
So as a connoisseur of flirtatious eyelash-batting (how very old-school of me) AND an appreciative consumer of battery-operated boyfriends (in lieu of the real McCoy) I just might have to wheedle some kind stranger to drop an Oscillation in my Christmas stocking.
Will you be able to tell just who is vibrating her lashes to ultimate perfection... and who is settling for Maybelline?
Only by her satisfied sigh.