Voicemail from a whore?

Someone in Springfield, IL doesn't like me.

Yesterday afternoon, my Tabu phone rang, and as always, I waited for my phone-answering system to prompt the caller for his or her name. When the moment came, a female voice hissed "Dirty whore!"

My, oh, my. A phone call from Dirty Whore. What a very interesting name to bestow upon a daughter.

I let the call go to voicemail, and retrieved the message later in the evening-- very curious to hear what such a colorful caller had to say for herself.

"You look much older than you really are," she spitted. "Actually, you look like a transsexual."

Apparently she ran out of imagination at that point, because the line went dead.

Darling "Dirty," I'm truly sorry that you're upset with me-- for whatever reason. But if you're going to call names, get with the program.

I'm a naughty girl by nature. I'm a swinger by choice. And I'm a hooker with enthusiasm. There's hardly a name in the book I wouldn't answer to proudly.

If you were looking to shame me... well, I don't blush easily. So as one badly aging transsexual to another, let's make a deal.

I won't publish your phone number, which I now have saved.... and maybe you can think a bit more cogently before you let your fingers do the stalking.

OK. Gotta go.

Blood on his hands

After oozing wetness during "Casino Royale," the first reinvention of James Bond in 2006, your little vixen has been silently panting in anticipation of the latest appearance of Daniel Craig.

In the rather grim sequel, "Quantum of Solace," I managed to concentrate on the most appealing facets... the rough boy in fantastic motion, agile as a ninja, and the too few moments of pure will, where the Brit puts his famously icy eyes to breathtaking effect.

As others have already noted, this Bond is a visceral and passionate re-thinking of the tradition. And in this outing, he's driven and almost wordlessly reckless.

When vengeance replaces judgment, not every kill can be clean.

This modern anti-hero has duty in his heart and blood on his hands.

I can't wait to see where he takes us.

My Close Encounter of the Ron Jeremy kind

Four years ago, when becoming an escort was barely a naughty thought in my mind, I met Ron Jeremy one busy Saturday night at the local swing club.

We sat side-by-side for two hours in the back room, chatting about all kinds of things... I purposely didn't ask him about his film career, figuring that he gets those "fan" questions all the time.

Even though our conversation was interrupted by a steady stream of swingers seeking autographs, which he graciously signed, he always re-focused immediately on our intimate chat.

Eventually, it was hard not to notice the effect my bare breasts were having on the porn king. And so I was inspired to check out his legendary equipment with my mouth. (and yes, it's quite a mouthful!)

Afterwards, the happy actor asked me if I'd ever considered getting into the adult industry.

"Here's my personal email address," he offered, scribbling it on the back of a business card. "If you're interested in doing something, I can definitely introduce you to the right people."

Soon it was time to go, and we said affectionate goodbyes and I hugged his furry chest.

"Seriously, I want you to get in touch with me after I get back to LA. I think you're a natural," he insisted.

Well, as you all know, I didn't go into movies, preferring the more discreet and personal avenue of being an escort.

But the accomplished and charming Ron did give me a nudge in the Tabu direction... and that was one of the best bits of career advice I've ever received.

So if you're the pleased recipient of a bit of oral inspiration from yours truly, you can give the king a nod of acknowledgement.

I know I do.

God loves Football....

God asks Peyton Manning first: "What do you believe?"

Peyton thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans."

God can't help but see the essential goodness of Manning, and offers him a seat at his left hand.

Then God turns to Brett Favre and says, "What do you believe?"

Brett says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life.
I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields."

God is greatly moved by Brett's sincere eloquence, and he offers him a seat at his right hand.

Finally, God turns to Tom Brady: "And you, Tom, what do you believe?"

Tom replies, "I believe you're in my seat. "

The Sexiest Spot in Hollywood... Were you there?

OK, boys and girls, please raise your hand for this morning's Hottie Roll-Call. Only those in attendance at last night's TER Meet and Greet may respond.

The boys first. Organizers and hosts extraordinaire Haya and Sofla? Yes, I see Haya, waving weakly from a plump bed pillow.... you deserve your rest for all the work you put in, darling. And Sofla, one of my personal ATFs, already springing into action this morning.... thank you for your delightful and oh-so-delectable presence.

Swimtreker, who accompanied Boca's hottest new babe, Sabrina... welcome to the class! Keystone, I see you smiling at the memory of my decolletage... and another west coast boy, Wilco, hope you enjoyed our chat. TrueBrit, you're a charming addition to this side of the pond... and feisty Bob, your humor spins a wicked web. Tredence, I haven't forgotten your shy smile... and Chivas, I like to save you for last. Yum.

And the girls... what a bevy of booties! I mean beauties, of course... although there were booties, boobies and mile-high legs everywhere I looked.

The MILF contingent came out in all its glory... Jessie, Summer and my special partner -in-crime, Allie... say hello, you gorgeous ladies. I'm proud to be among your ranks.

New York's lovely Laney, what a petite cutie pie you are! The longest legs prize went to newcomer Courtesan Jess. Good Golly Miss Molly, I saw you bring your A-game... and Toni, whenever there's sexy fun to be had, you're in the middle of it. The west coast ladies weren't to be outdone.... thank you making the trek, Kristen and Ellyse!

Kisses, giggles and phone numbers made the rounds... and the only one missing was Sly, our revered Moderator. We missed you, Mr. AWOL-- so you had better make the next one!

So from this other hot spot in Hollywood, Tabu's Lair, I want to say "Well Done!" to our Party Central crew and everyone who made the Hard Rock the place to be last night.

You all rock.

Seven and... Oh!! (My day at the Pats game!)

Well, thanks to my new friend from the west coast, I got to sweat for 4 hours today. Yes, my stamina's pretty good for a old lady in her 40s... but I can only wish it were in service of a prettier cause. The Patriots, in case you were otherwise engaged, simply decimated the hapless Miami Dolphins at Pro Player Stadium. And like the little girl in the Shake and Bake commercial, "I helped."

Since I was only mildly sympathetic to the local boys-- who seemingly came on the field already mentally composing their post-loss locker room soundbites-- I had a grand ole time rooting for Tom Brady and his crew. And what was even sweeter-- my seats were among a gaggle of NE fans in their blue and red jerseys. The portly gent sitting just below me with his pals- all having traveled from Boston for the game-- truly appreciated the way I jumped up and down when the Pats scored again and again. (As a woman, this is when you wish the Jumbotron would catch your boobage making its play for fame.)

The SO- who's only mildly interested in the antics of the NFL- watched bemusedly as I alternately dabbed sweat from my ladylike brow and careened to my feet, screaming "Get him!"

By halftime, it was obvious that even the perky Dolphins cheerleaders were working hard to maintain their spirit. (And by the way-- are hair extensions a prerequisite for being a pro cheerleader? Half of their choreography seemingly consisted of them throwing their manes to and fro. But I digress.)

The highlight of halftime was not the Air Force Band- whose rather stolid performance reinforced my ideas about creativity in the military- but the moment they introduced the pilots who had blasted over the stadium in their F-18s after the National Anthem. The camera zoomed in on the crew in their modest brown jumpsuits-- strong jaws, keen eyes and a gagillion horsepower at their fingertips-- and as they made their "Aw, shucks" waves, I thought, "Aw, yes!" But then, I'm a sucker for a uniform. (Just ask my UPS man!)

Well, a girl can only glow for so long, and by the beginning of the 4th quarter, Miami's fate had been cast. It was time to go.

On the ride home, I counted up the firsts. My first game in Miami. My first Tom Brady jersey. And my first game day courtesy of my left-coast client, and, of course, Tabu.

Let the celebration begin!

Are you ready for some football?? (My backfield's in motion!)

Today I got to combine two of my favorite things. F---ing and football.

(Yes, I'm much too delicate to say the f-word in my blog. But I'm not too delicate to tell you all about it, am I? Saucy wench!)

ANYway, I made the acquaintance of a lovely West Coaster who not only reveres the Dolphins, but traveled 3000 miles for yesterday's game. How many fans would suffer through the heat, the humidity, the parking at Dolphin Stadium and the Cowboys, and still make it to see me this morning? Well, this fan did, and it was a major pleasure.

But I admit I did tease him just a little. After all, I did grow up in Big D, and following "The 'Boys" is a requirement for citizenship. But when I saw he cared not a whit and focused on my tits, I was on home ground.

You know how I like to go through my fellows' pants to find my favorite drink? Well, I found it-- --plus the second part of my special Tabu gift. TWO tickets to the Miami-New England game in October.

SCORE!!

Now, I'm on the hunt for a sexy little Patriot's jersey (OK, I lived in Boston 16 years, I have to support the Pats...) to go along with my tight jeans and backfield in motion. So look for me in the stands--I'll be the redhead with the wicked grin... and a sweet memory about how those tickets came my way!

The mistresses of thigh-high boots and their boy-toy

When Maylin called to remind me that it was Stefano's birthday, we had to do what every sex-driven vixen does first: decide what to wear!

The rapidly-achieved decision: thigh-high boots. And the birthday boy? Instructed to bring his A-game in supple, muscle-packed leather.

Oooh, and did he bring his A-game. If you were there, I'm sure it wouldn't have seemed quite right that all the hottest women in the club were swooning over one black-clad hunk of sweetness... but to the relief of the other excited gentlemen, we eventually shared the wealth.

After all, even the studliest birthday boy has to blow out his candle... and then, everyone gets to eat cake!

Like exotic treats? When they're not playing with their friends, Maylin and Stefano happily rendezvous with singles and couples for a extraordinary celebration of the senses. For more info, click on hotescortcouple.com.

Just bring your own candle. I know you'll be blown away!

A Charmed Life: when Pavarotti kissed me

Even the greats must make their exit, and in Italy early yesterday morning. Luciano Pavarotti stepped behind the curtain and will be seen no more.

In his later years, Pavarotti allowed his enchantment with celebrity to overwhelm his very real and exquisite talents. But even when he had to be carried on and off the stage, suffering from self-inflicted gout, "the voice kissed by God" almost never disappointed.

Like many Italian men, Pavarotti was a notorious flirt. During his first American tour, he sang La Boheme at the Dallas Civic Opera. I was a local insider from the classical music radio station, and was thrilled to meet the brilliant young tenor. At the reception, the hostess led me by the hand through the gaggle of socialites and hangers-on encircling the beaming artist, who was busy devouring a canape.

"I'd like you to meet one of our very accomplished young ladies who supports the arts," she rather grandly introduced me.

He took one look and thrust his wineglass at a waiter. Before he spoke he held out both hands to take my own.

"This beautiful young lady is a lover of opera? Ah, and to think that I was chosen to sing in her presence!"

Before I could think quite how to reply to this unexpected pronouncement, the burly but appreciative tenor pulled me gently toward him, released my hands to cup my face and kissed me with frank enjoyment.

The bejeweled onlookers gasped, and then giggled nervously. These randy artists, I could see them thinking. You never know what liberties they will take!

In the years that followed, I often thought fondly of that kiss as a moment of ebullient spontaneity in the life of an artist who would later be lionized by the literati and illiterati alike.

In our smaller lives, our occasional brushes with greatness can take on mythic proportions. This was merely a kiss. But I've never forgotten it, or him. And neither will the world.

The Miki I never knew

I never met Miki the MILF, but she was a legend in the small world we inhabit. Justly known as an irascible, confident, balls-to-the-walls wild woman, she never failed to make herself heard.

Miki passed away from natural causes at the age of 50 this past week, and the outpouring of genuine loss has been striking.

Someone told me recently that my somewhat "feisty" persona could hurt me with clients who are less than sure of themselves. Well, I'll never equal the ballsiness of Miki the MILF, and even those who disagreed with her strongly-voiced opinions have wiped away a tear this week.

Miki, I wish we'd met. I think we would have been friends.

Paris Hilton, Tiger Woods and Tabu?

While I can appreciate the perks of being rich, I've never understood the quest for celebrity. Sure, it may get you past a velvet rope or two, but what about when you're on the way to 7-11? Do you really want paparazzi dogging your Slurpee-craving butt?

Last week in Tampa, my friend Allie was very amused when I got "outed" on the street. Some poor slob in a pickup- probably an honest hobbyist or lurker- comes rolling up as we're walking back to our hotel, coffee in one hand, Walgreen's bag in the other, in jeans, sunglasses and in decidedly non-provider mode.

"Hey," he yells from the driver's seat. "Are you Tabu?"

I quickly glance at Allie in a bit of a panic. "Excuse me?"

"ARE YOU TABU?!?" he bellows.

"I don't know what you mean," I manage to stutter out, blessing the red light that's keeping him from following us as we turn the corner.

We get all of ten feet away before Allie bursts out laughing.

"Shut up," I mutter. "Jesus! Just tell everybody in Tampa, why don't you, asshole!"

She can no longer contain herself. "Hah, hah, you're famous! I'm so impressed! I'm with a celebrity!"

"Oh, yeah, that's great," glancing back over my shoulder. "What if you'd been my sister, or a civvie friend who doesn't know I'm Tabu? That would be pretty hard to explain, wouldn't it?"

For a nano-second she considers that scenario."Well, yes, that could be pretty awkward," she concedes. Her face sobers, then lightens again.

"But I'm not! And you're so famous he knew you from a single glance! Oh my God!"

Well, dear readers, I do not consider myself famous... at least outside of a small circle of interested parties in Miami, Chicago, DC and now, perhaps, Tampa.

But if in your wanderings, you do spot a certain busty redhead that you're sure you've seen before, do me a favor, please. Wait till I'm gone before alerting the media.

I'll do the same for you.

May Allie be with you!

For those of you who have never met her-- and believe me, it's a shame if you haven't-- my girlfriend and doubles partner Allie is simply one of a kind.

Have you seen her pictures? Tall and lithe, with the elegant stance of a model, she makes heads swivel wherever she goes. Then, when you get her in the bedroom-- YOW! This hot goddess slips out of her clothes and into her natural gift for sensuality... no one escapes her passionate desire to please.

Now, you have to understand. I love this striking woman for all her wonderful traits-- her sincerity, loyalty, kindness, beauty and humor. But my tall and tasty tidbit has one tiny flaw. She's endearingly reluctant to put herself out there via the written word. Of course, this drives me crazy since I'm a natural-born, can't-shut-me-up writer.

So you have to imagine my bemused delight when I discovered the following post on TER's Florida board yesterday. My Miss "I'm too shy to post" composed her own little ode about our upcoming trip to Tampa. Now, I think anyone who tries this hard should be rewarded, don't you?

Tampa Time (by Allie)

There once was a girl from down state,
Who decided to go to Tampa for a hot, sensuous date.
She’s going all that way
‘cause she wants to play
from Tuesday the 8th to the 10th of May.

What she brings is a slim and tan body
And if you read her reviews,
They say she’s a hottie.

She is quite talented and enjoys good lovers.
If you do it just right, she’ll wet your covers!
So read Allie’s reviews and give her a call
To pre-book some time and have a ball!

And if you really feel up to the task
She will bring her friend, Tabu –
All you have to do is ask!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To contact the poet, write Allie4U@bellsouth.net or see her ad in Eros at http://www.eros-miami.com/files/mi-allie8-allie1.htm

Let my stunning girlfriend enlarge your mind.. ... and the rest of of you will follow!

Casino Royale coming soon on DVD

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Heifers, goats and sheep, please!

I'm doing something really important this holiday season that all my intimate friends can help me with. I'm working to end hunger by raising money for Heifer International.

To view my campaign and how you can help, go directly to my donation page at:

http://ga6.org/heifer/fundraising/discovertabu-85610

I'm counting on you to pitch in and help reach my goal. Any donation large or small will help us get there!

I chose Heifer International to help because they are a wonderful organization working to end hunger and poverty in the world. For more than six decades, Heifer has been helping poor
families around the world become self-reliant by providing animals and the training to care for them. Each recipient family promises to pass along offspring from their animal to another
family in need.

Heifer's simple but effective solution has helped more than seven million families -- 38 million people -- in more than 125 countries including the US, where more than 10 million people
are chronically hungry.

Thank you in advance for taking a moment to go online and help me help Heifer.