Putting the "ho" in hotel! An etiquette reminder from "Dear Tabu."

Dear Tabu:

Q. How I can ensure the discretion and safety of my favorite escort when she's visiting my town on tour? (OK, so no one really asked this. Go with me here!)

A. Thank you for the excellent question, Hobbyist! Part of your responsibility as a good client is to visit your escort as discreetly as possible. Any behavior, intentional or not, that draws negative attention to her may result in trouble for both of you. Here are some examples of what TO DO.

• Call for her room number from the parking lot, not the lobby. Then when you arrive, you can stride purposefully right to the elevator and go up. The longer you linger in the lobby, looking lost, the more the desk clerk is likely to wonder.
• Arrive with a briefcase, file folder or other business-related item in hand.
  
• Make your arrival call on time. Not 15 minutes early, when your lady is likely in the shower, brushing her teeth, or struggling to attach her garters.
  
• Knock quietly on her door and enter without exclaiming loudly "Wow! You're even hotter than your pictures!" (We love that, but save it for when the door is closed.)
• Lay your gift envelope down in clear view without further comment. We know what it is.
  

And now, from the "Oh My God" file, a few reminders of what NOT to do. (We'll use someone named "Miss X" as the example case.)

• Do not arrive with a big bouquet of flowers as if you're headed for the prom. Not only will everyone stare at you in the lobby, but your lady will have no place to put them in her room. Then disposing of said flowers gracefully... not easily done without the maids wondering about "businesswoman" Miss X in Room 617.
• Enjoy your time with your lady, but do not try to wring every last second out of your appointment. Wind down your activities so you can shower and dress and still be out the door when your alloted time has elapsed. Your lady will appreciate your respect for her schedule-- and it will give her time to re-attach her garters.
  
• Speaking of showers-- Miss X is probably stealing towels off the maid's cart to keep herself and her guests stocked without having to ask for extras... so don't assume she has an infinite number on hand. One should do the trick, unless you're Andre the Giant.
• Say your farewells inside the room, not as you're walking into the hallway. Miss X actually had an enthusiastic client exclaim as she was closing the door, "That was the best b--- j-- I've ever had!"
  

Keeping a low profile keeps everyone safe and satisfied. So when you're eagerly anticipating the happy return of Miss X to your city, make it easy for her to say Yes!

Now back to your regularly-scheduled programming!

The Doctor is in! Please take off your pants...

Today, a gent asked the following:

Curious what the best way to catch a lady's attention is in sending emails... I always have been curious and would love to know how many emails you ladies receive in say a day. I don't want to be passed over or trashed!! What should the subject of the email be to catch your attention to read further and hopefully lead to your reply and then some?

Dr. Tabu replies:

Don't be cute. If you put in your subject line:

I'm your stud-muffin, Tabu!!

I'm going to think you're crackers or a 15-year-old boy.

However, if you put:

Possibility of appointment March 3 at 8pm?

I'll open YOURS first! (Then maybe I'll open mine!)

____________________________________________________

Successful providers' mailboxes are afloat every day with:

"Wishful thinking" emails (When will you be touring to Sitka, Alaska?)

"Maybe her IQ's dropped" emails (You don't know me but I'm in Room 178 at the Day's Inn; can you be here in a hour?)

"Please get me off" emails (Hey, baby, I've got a big hard one for you. Can you handle my 10-incher? Call me now!)

"I'm a cop or clueless or both" emails (Do you offer BBBJ, multiple shots and can I bring a buddy?)

and so on....

My advice-- be pleasant, business-like and think about the impression you're making.

After all-- your first letter is like a first interview. Make it count!

No Batteries Required (Or, what makes Tabu hum!)

We're all grownups here, so let's be frank. Between my hobby (swinging) and our hobby (the Hobby!), your little vixen gets some action. So, you might ask, does that mean that I'm a constantly-seething cauldron of unmitigated passion?

Um, almost. The other day, I gleefully let my mind run free over all my favorite things... the little moments, gestures and fantasies that can make my panties sticky.... and I came up with the ones I always welcome with a wicked grin.

Not-to-be-denied erections. I admit it. There's something very fulfilling in making an ostensibly cool customer lose his cool-- and watching as he raises a tent-pole in his pants. (And darling, don't try to hide it with that throw pillow. Tabu sees all, knows all, and conquers all.)

The Stevie Wonder head roll. Yes, I may be kneeling between your legs. My mouth may be too full to speak. But I'm sneaking a look at your rapturous expression... and when your eyes roll back in your head and a groan escapes from deep inside your composure, a little electricity travels right down my spine.

The partner in crime. Have I divulged one of my little kinks? Then bless you if you whisper those naughty somethings in my ear... and watch my reactions as you add an extra filigree of lust to the mix. You shall receive the kingdom of heaven.

Embracing your inner porn star. When the mood's right for raunch, you can't go wrong... so forget you're a doctor, a lawyer or that you play one on TV. When you become Tabu's boy-toy, the immediate forecast is wet. Very wet.

Swoon happens. Unforgettable moments unfold when the heat rises and we realize that we're dealing with a force larger than ourselves. That's when I like to lie back, surrender my will and give you everything between my ears and my legs. Feel the rush? It may be your tongue that's dissolving my self-control... or the tingle that translates from your fingertips.... or the room that's spinning on the axis of your hard cock.

Only two words are necessary here.

Take me.

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Hobbyists

What separates a decently successful hobbyist (sometimes gets the girl he wants, strikes out as often as he hits, expends a lot of cell minutes trying to hook up)...

from the hobbyist who quietly and confidently enjoys the sensual delights of his absolute favorites?

After three years in this delicate dance, I've seen the good, the bad and absolutely unforgivable. In the process, I've learned a few things myself. So for the fellows who'd like to improve their average, I'm offering the following observations. May they help you score the big Kahuna, whoever she may be.

1. Highly Effective Hobbyists PLAN AHEAD. This is especially crucial when a lady's on tour. After I've advertised on my blog for 3-4 weeks, Eros for a week and announced on TER several times in advance of my arrival, I still get initial calls on the very last night of a tour. To my great amusement, these spontaneous souls are shocked that my time is already booked.

Would you wait for the night of the Prince concert to call TicketMaster? OK, then.

2. Highly Effective Hobbyists OFFER THEIR CREDENTIALS. If I don't know you, a one-line email stating, "Hi, I'm Joe, Are you available tonight?" is going straight into the trash. The reservation form on my website has been crafted to get just what I need from you-- no more, no less. And since many of us ladies also offer easy screening shortcuts through Date-Check, RS2K or Preferred 411, there's really no excuse for the old "I didn't realize you needed to know who I am" ploy.

Would you let a nameless, potentially nefarious stranger into your bedroom? OK, maybe if her tits were big enough. But we girls have tits of our own.

3. Highly Effective Hobbyists DO THEIR RESEARCH. Nothing charms a lady more than the fellow who asks her to reiterate every piece of information that's already on her website, her ad, her TER profile, or her blog.

Even the MILFs among us don't have the time or the inclination to spoon-feed you. After all, aren't you the boys who sent a man to the moon?

4. Highly Effective Hobbyists LEAVE THEIR EGO AT THE DOOR. We know you're a big man at work. Leagues of lowly-paid minions cower at your presence. But lording it over the lady you've selected for some very intimate companionship is simply bad form. Of the dozen or so clients whom I truly detested and will never see again, the main common denominator was arrogance.

Yes, we're here to please. But you know the saying.... if Momma ain't happy, then nobody's getting the goods.

5. Highly Effective Hobbyists LEAVE US WANTING MORE. You wouldn't linger at the party till the exhausted hosts stagger off to bed. So when you're enjoying the lady's company, be equally aware that when the party's over, it's over.

We want to feel regretful that you had to leave after only an hour... not remember that we had to drag your ass to the door after you camped out for an extra 30 minutes, sloooowly tying your shoes. That's what loafers are for.

6. Highly Effective Hobbyists LIKE WOMEN. As odd as it may sound, some of our clients resent us, look down on us, and simply don't have our best interests at heart. These are the fellows who quiz us on our private lives, ask our real names, disclose confidential details to other parties, or gossip about us to their other dates.

It wasn't attractive in high school, and you can't fit into those pants anymore, either.

7. Highly Effective Hobbyists KNOW IT'S JUST A HOBBY. Yes, we adore being your girlfriend for an hour or two... and when you're genuinely nice, we often have very fond feelings for your presence in our lives. So let's agree... we won't fall in love with you, call you at home, get our feelings hurt when you see another lady, or boil your rabbit.

Do the same by us, and we'll be good.

Good guys/Bad guys.... My Referral Policy

As you know, we providers safeguard each other by vouching for our good guys and flagging the bad ones. Unfortunately, the bad ones are getting sneakier all the time. Because of this, many of us are tightening our policies about referrals.

Beginning February 1, 2007, I will be glad to provide referrals for anyone I have seen in the past SIX MONTHS. If our meeting occurred before that, I will ask you to seek out a reference from a lady you have seen more recently.

Why the change? We're finding clients evading accountability for bad behavior by reaching back to a time when they were acting properly. They claim to have seen no one in the meantime. Because this claim can't be easily verified, we are put at risk.

If you hobby infrequently, I recommend you consider joining either of two nationally-respected verification services. Date-Check and Preferred411 will verify your information discreetly, and issue you a unique ID that providers can use for screening. Both services offer an avenue to flag dangerous or discourteous clients, so they are widely accepted by many providers in lieu of traditional references.

I love my good guys (and they are far in the majority.) To you, thank you for your understanding and cooperation!

To the "gentlemen" who like to no-show, shortchange, harass, stalk or assault providers, I hope I'm making your life a lot more difficult.

Never on Saturday... nights!

It's common escort wisdom: Saturday nights can make you rich.

Horny business travelers spending the weekend away from home... horny young guys between girlfriends and looking for a surefire score.... horny regulars whose wives are off visiting Mom.

So why I don't I work on Saturday nights?

Because I'm horny myself!

(Now, this is no secret to my personal friends and playmates.... but I'll let you who don't know me in on it, too.) Look up the hottest swing club, the house party that oozes naughtiness with my favorite boy and girl sluts.... and this weekend, my very own "Dangerous Curves" party.... and well, you can see my dilemma.

Do I work... or play?

When it's a choice between fun and MORE fun, well, I have to go with my parts. I mean, my heart.

See you on Monday.

There's no need to fear... Date-Check and 411 are here!

I'm delighted to announce that I'm now making it easier than ever to book an appointment.

If you're a member of Date-Check or Preferred 411, you can now cut your screening time from hours to mere minutes. Just give me the appropriate info in your email or phone call, and you're on your way!

I do love the reputable verification organizations... when I tour Chicago, I depend on RS2K, as well.

If you're skittish about giving out work info, etc to individual providers, consider joining one of these fine groups. They verify your info privately-- and you never have it give it out again. From then on, your ID number, email or other identifying detail acts as your ID.

Can't wait to meet my fine Date-Check and Preferred411 gentlemen!

I’m the Other Woman: A Guide for the Principled Provider

Gentle Reader, here is today’s question for your consideration.

A well-regarded provider reports that she’s been victimized by a fellow provider: her belongings are stolen, her equanimity’s disturbed and her reputation is temporarily tarnished by association. It’s a sordid little mess that crops up as commonly as fungus.

Now, I’m not overly worried about the upstanding lady; she’s dealt with such ugliness before. What I do wonder about is the victimizer-- the Other Woman.

How different can she be from me? We both work in a shadowy and marginal world where we’re sharply judged on our weight, our looks, our conversational skills and our performance. Our daily living depends on the sexual whims of strangers. On a good week, we’re idolized as the consummate girlfriend. On a bad one, we’re haggled with and belittled. At all times, we live under the real threat of arrest or assault. On the surface, there’s every reason to let our emotions run away with us.

Yet, I, for one, cultivate a calm, drama-free life. I get along with anyone who treats me with courtesy and respect. I don't propagate rumors, refuse to give references or steal other girls' images, ideas or thunder. For the past year, I’ve allowed a friend to use my incall without fear of her outing me or allowing riff-raff into my space. I practice playing fair.

So what I don’t understand is how so many of us can routinely lie, denigrate, cheat, backstab and connive against each other. Even when justified, such behavior not only reinforces the world’s idea of us as desperate or tainted– it batters our daily happiness with mistrust and manipulation. It’s no wonder even the steadiest of us can get shaky on our foundations.

Hence, my question. Is this the nature of our business, or the nature of women? Do we act badly out of malice, or because we have no agreed-upon moral compass? Maybe it’s time we did agree on a handful of positive principles that could help turn our collective faces into the light. I’ll start with four ideas and I would welcome anyone else’s thoughts.

Principled Providers agree that:

Because the world rewards us for our cunning and quick wits, we’ll use them
to thwart dangerous clients and keep each other safe.

If a steady client disappoints us by moving on to greener pastures, we’ll view it
not vengefully, but as part of a large karmic circle. The client our competitor
loses today may call us tomorrow.

We’ll replace shrewishness and petty jealousy with motivated admiration.
There will always be someone who markets, dresses or looks better than we do.
We’ll look at how they’re doing things– and learn.

And we’ll recognize that we all deal with our daily degree of difficulty.
So even if I can’t help you make your rent, I can refrain from broadcasting
your situation over the Internet.

Gentle reader, I’m far from an expert on the profession of providing. But I do consider it an intimate and honorable vocation. Because for every instance of simple sexual pleasure I give my clients, I also know that for many of them, my friendship and non-judgmental presence in their life transcends the value of money.

In the end, we’re all doing good. So isn’t it time we do good for each other, as well? Whether the champagne’s bubbling or it’s the end of a weary day, each of us is the Other Woman.

On Martin Luther King Day, I have a dream. Let’s do her proud.