Humanitarian Aid... and then some!

On Friday afernoon I returned from 5 days away on tour. Naturally, my love-starved SO was eager to enjoy a prolonged tryst with me.

In the afterglow he hugged me and joked, "I should get a humanitarian award for sharing your fabulous p---sy with the world."

"Why, yes, you should, darling," I agreed. "And I even know which one it shoud be. The Nobel 'Piece' Prize!"

It's good to be queen!

Florida-bound tomorrow! (no, that's not a new fetish!)

Detroit has been treating me like a queen, but even the nicest reigns have to come to an end.... (hopefully, I'll still have my head when it's over!)

What lovely gentlemen I've always found here. Engineers, auto industry folks, the occasional doctor, lawyer and college prof.... the tenor of their visits is always sweet and appreciative.

I appreciate you, too, boys! And while I'm a tad homesick right now, I'll be back again this summer for a visit with my "gentlemen in waiting"-- and I'll bring the cake!

Putting the "ho" in hotel! An etiquette reminder from "Dear Tabu."

Dear Tabu:

Q. How I can ensure the discretion and safety of my favorite escort when she's visiting my town on tour? (OK, so no one really asked this. Go with me here!)

A. Thank you for the excellent question, Hobbyist! Part of your responsibility as a good client is to visit your escort as discreetly as possible. Any behavior, intentional or not, that draws negative attention to her may result in trouble for both of you. Here are some examples of what TO DO.

• Call for her room number from the parking lot, not the lobby. Then when you arrive, you can stride purposefully right to the elevator and go up. The longer you linger in the lobby, looking lost, the more the desk clerk is likely to wonder.
• Arrive with a briefcase, file folder or other business-related item in hand.
  
• Make your arrival call on time. Not 15 minutes early, when your lady is likely in the shower, brushing her teeth, or struggling to attach her garters.
  
• Knock quietly on her door and enter without exclaiming loudly "Wow! You're even hotter than your pictures!" (We love that, but save it for when the door is closed.)
• Lay your gift envelope down in clear view without further comment. We know what it is.
  

And now, from the "Oh My God" file, a few reminders of what NOT to do. (We'll use someone named "Miss X" as the example case.)

• Do not arrive with a big bouquet of flowers as if you're headed for the prom. Not only will everyone stare at you in the lobby, but your lady will have no place to put them in her room. Then disposing of said flowers gracefully... not easily done without the maids wondering about "businesswoman" Miss X in Room 617.
• Enjoy your time with your lady, but do not try to wring every last second out of your appointment. Wind down your activities so you can shower and dress and still be out the door when your alloted time has elapsed. Your lady will appreciate your respect for her schedule-- and it will give her time to re-attach her garters.
  
• Speaking of showers-- Miss X is probably stealing towels off the maid's cart to keep herself and her guests stocked without having to ask for extras... so don't assume she has an infinite number on hand. One should do the trick, unless you're Andre the Giant.
• Say your farewells inside the room, not as you're walking into the hallway. Miss X actually had an enthusiastic client exclaim as she was closing the door, "That was the best b--- j-- I've ever had!"
  

Keeping a low profile keeps everyone safe and satisfied. So when you're eagerly anticipating the happy return of Miss X to your city, make it easy for her to say Yes!

Now back to your regularly-scheduled programming!

My Close Encounter of the Ron Jeremy kind

Four years ago, when becoming an escort was barely a naughty thought in my mind, I met Ron Jeremy one busy Saturday night at the local swing club.

We sat side-by-side for two hours in the back room, chatting about all kinds of things... I purposely didn't ask him about his film career, figuring that he gets those "fan" questions all the time.

Even though our conversation was interrupted by a steady stream of swingers seeking autographs, which he graciously signed, he always re-focused immediately on our intimate chat.

Eventually, it was hard not to notice the effect my bare breasts were having on the porn king. And so I was inspired to check out his legendary equipment with my mouth. (and yes, it's quite a mouthful!)

Afterwards, the happy actor asked me if I'd ever considered getting into the adult industry.

"Here's my personal email address," he offered, scribbling it on the back of a business card. "If you're interested in doing something, I can definitely introduce you to the right people."

Soon it was time to go, and we said affectionate goodbyes and I hugged his furry chest.

"Seriously, I want you to get in touch with me after I get back to LA. I think you're a natural," he insisted.

Well, as you all know, I didn't go into movies, preferring the more discreet and personal avenue of being an escort.

But the accomplished and charming Ron did give me a nudge in the Tabu direction... and that was one of the best bits of career advice I've ever received.

So if you're the pleased recipient of a bit of oral inspiration from yours truly, you can give the king a nod of acknowledgement.

I know I do.

Becoming a Star at the Starlite Motel!

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Changing your plans makes life interesting!

Ah well, Chicago is going to have to enjoy my girlfriend without me this time; due to an unexpected development, I've had to cancel my trip.

I will definitely plan on re-scheduling a little later this spring/summer.

In the meantime, I'm looking forward to a delectable visit with some of my Motor City favorites!

Detroit, watch out for the Tabu Express!

Road Trip!! Well, plane trip. (Who cares? We're going to Chicago!)

Ah, spring. The dogwoods bloom, the spring breakers break and in Tabu-land, the snowbirds take flight.

It was wonderful, they say, as they wave from their SUVs, heading back to New York and Minnesota. We'll see you next year!

And as we wipe our tearful eyes, everyone in Florida waves sadly till they're over the horizon of I-95.

Then, we all make a rush for our favorite restaurants and bars, now blissfully tourist-free.

Thank God for those fat-cat snowbirds, for without them our coffers would be lighter. But thank God when they leave, and local life takes back its lazier, sun-dappled pace.

For me-- and my girl Allie, who positively itches with wanderlust, spring's the overture to our own journeys.... and with nothing but stilettos in our suitcases, there's only one thing that could be on our minds.

Foot-long hot dogs. After all, isn't that Chicago is famous for? Oh, wait, that's Coney Island. (I always get those two mixed up!)

No, we adore Chicago with a passion worthy of grand opera. Get us up on Michigan Ave-- ensconced in the silky linens of a 4-star hotel-- waiting breathlessly for our darling midwestern suitors to arrive.... well, life just doesn't get much sweeter.

Seasons always resume their rituals, no matter who's watching. And when we see our calendars inching toward April, we can hardly wait to take it all in.

So if you see two Florida flamingos-- one sun-kissed, one ivory-- positively glowing with genuine delight, please don't hesitate to welcome us "home."

Hollywood will wait.

AWOL for a friend; back to Tabu.

This weekend I had to say a permanent goodbye.

My friend John, a smart, lovable and funny 50-year-old, slipped away into a quiet place after a devastating fight with cancer.

During that fight, his wife, my equally admirable girlfriend, showed me what courage really is. A feisty ex-New Yorker, she never backed down from the challenge of dealing with every aspect of their everyday life; when John quickly became too weak to function, she emerged as even more than she imagined she could be.

Not that I'm painting her as a saint. Plenty of days I got my daily call that started with exasperation; nothing was simple in their last journey together except their love for each other.

And now, that love continues and changes.

Hellos and goodbyes, mourning and rejoicing. There's no getting around that eternal balance.

I love both my friends, and now I'm going to get to show one of them just how much. When life feels diminished by absence, the presence of our friends and family helps fill the abyss.

And for me, re-embracing my inner Tabu is my way of celebrating the continuation of beauty, sensuality and life.

John wouldn't have had it any other way.

Grazie! (I think!)

Today's nomination for International Email of the week: (reproduced verbatim).

if one day you are around the europe what do you think about a good weekend in Italy? i am a beautiful mature man,Luke, of 40 years, lend, equipped, also of savoir-faire and free discretion from engagements, I try one intelligent mrs. that desires one educated and lose interested company. I can accommodate and travel. if it tries what I can offer to you,contact me. I guarantee ospitality, respect and absolutely discretion. I can accommodate you in Lignano Sabbiadoro, or offer to you a timid one week-end to Venice.

i need a photo to remember of you..


Here's an incipient hobbyist in one of the sexiest countries on earth, and he's taking a cyber-stroll down Tabu Lane.

Darling, I'm flattered. But if your pasta isn't better than your English, I'll have to stick with La Dolce Vita here in Florida.

Ciao!

No rest for the wicked?

One of my favorite clients wrote me Friday with a question:

And what will this naughty girl be doing for Easter? How do swingers celebrate Spring-- by getting sprung?

Well, he's a hoot and it was with actual sadness I had to relate that-- once in a rare while-- even this Energizer Bunny has to snuggle up with her eggs and snooze.

After three weekends of marathon eroticism, it's mandatory to re-charge the batteries and come out swinging, as they say.

So it's off to la-la land, nappyville, dream city.... and then back to the exhausting job of being fabulous.

See you on Monday!!