Two for Two! Swing Dates Sizzle!

I have one word for the past 2 Friday nights. Yumm-eeee.

Thanks to the two lovely gentlemen who couldn't wait to raise their "hands" for my new swing club rendez-vous, your little vixen got to show off her favorite club, its sizzling citizens and the naughty-and-nice atmosphere that gets everyone rocking.

In fact, I feel a bit like an evangelist lately-- "Come to me, brothers, and let me show you the way!"

Fortunately, my impulse toward religion stops there... unless you count my recent fantasy fulfillment for one wicked little girlfriend of mine. That evil girl wanted me to tell her all about the bad Catholic schoolgirl at confession. Oh, my-- she was sooo bad that the priest had to come right into her side of the confessional and show her the errors of her ways... sin by sin.

Oh, the depths I'll explore for the sake of some curvy-girl nookie.

But then again, maybe that talent for erotic imagination is what has made me so many delicious friends.

Where the mind can go, the cock and pussy can follow. Just ask the two boys who squired me through the halls of iniquity. They imagined what could happen when you get 300 hot swingers together -- mixed thoroughly with a healthy dose of Tabu-- and the reality of it all.... well, I think it surpassed their wildest wet dreams.

So here I go again today, powdering, silkening, and fine-tuning that sexy spot between my ears for another erotic adventure in Paradise.

Heaven's got nothing better.

Here we go again...

Almost exactly a year ago today, I published the blog I'm reproducing below. Ring a bell?

So please-- don't come to me asking for less screening due to the Spitzer case. I'm not buying into the hysteria, and neither should you. So, from March 28, 2007....

Don't call me Madam! (or, Paranoia Abounds!)

Yesterday I saw one of my regular, mild-mannered fetish clients. All was great until after our session, when he rather nervously asked me if Iwould "remove all traces" of him from my email, cellphone, paper calendar and Rosetta Stone, and never contact him again.

I was a bit stunned and when I asked where this sudden directive came from, he cited the "DC Madam," who was arrested recently for running a high-profile,15-girl prostitution ring for a total of 13 years. The madam in question briefly floated the idea of selling her "43 lbs" of detailed client records (!) to the highest bidder. A federal judge quickly derailed the idea.

My nervous client, neither well-known nor likely to be, envisioned himself the unhappy recipient of media glare if I was ever taken away in cuffs.

Let me tell you what I told him (after assuring him that his very existence would be forever eradicated from my consciousness.)

Women who run large-scale prostitution rings with celebrities and elected officials as clients naturally attract attention from law enforcement and the IRS. Millions of dollars of undeclared income... famous names... and a revolving door of indiscreet "employees" create a target worthy of pursuit and prosecution.

On the other hand.... low-key, tax-paying, individual providers operating out of a single discreet location- no fanfare, no employees, no racketeering-- simply aren't worth the government's attention, time or money.

The DC Madam is facing a host of serious charges which range from pandering to tax evasion, money laundering and more. She's in deep shit.

I, however, am no Madam. And if, to my misfortune, a local vice cop slips through my screening someday and takes me downtown, I'll pay my misdemeanor fine and go home. It won't be fun, but it certainly won't be front page news.

With rising gas prices, hurricane season and new episodes of America's Next Top Model on the horizon, we all have much weightier issues to worry about. So let's get on with the show.

"Swing" into Spring! A sexy new addition to the menu!

If you've ever been intrigued by the sexy, secret world of swinging-- but didn't have the entree or a willing partner to try it out-- well, I have a very important announcement just for you.

Starting now, I'm your guide to a very satisfying Swing into Spring!

Take advantage of my 10-year experience in this lifestyle and get a first-hand understanding of:

• How to "play well with others" (the etiquette and protocols that all swingers share)


• How to approach a potential playmate


• When it's time to go from flirting to f--king

• Why women rule this world and how to win them over

I've had some of the sexiest times in my life at a swing club and it's time you did, too!

Here's how it works. Like a dinner date, a swing date is 4 hours, during which we will enjoy the club's excellent dinner, dancing, flirting and whatever naughtiness we can stir up.

If you're visiting from out of town, I will pick you up at your hotel and your only financial responsibility is my gift and the door fee at the club. (I will supply the membership requirement.) Since all FL swing clubs are BYOB, you choose whether to bring your own alcohol.

So whether you dream of jumping in, watching and learning, or a happy mix of both, you can relax knowing you're in the very experienced hands of a true aficionado.

Before I was Tabu, I was a swinger. Come discover the sensual atmosphere, freedom and fun that helped turn a bad girl into a verrrry bad girl! (And as you know-- very bad is verrry good!)

Sit. Stay. Roll onto me. I learned everything I know about sex from my dog.

As I was stroking my best friend's ears Saturday night,(and yes, my dog was there, too) it struck me how similarly I'd trained both.

My dog waits impatiently as he watches me dabble in debauchery. "Get on with it," his eyes say, as I'm rolling in a tangled mess of sheets, arms and hard breathing. When the bed surface calms to a gentle rocking, he'll launch himself into the middle, hoping for a clear spot to land.

My two (or sometimes three-legged) friends- well, they've perfected the exaggerated eyeroll in lieu of puppy dog eyes. They look around, and when I'm discovered in flagrante delicto, they heave a histrionic sigh and announce, "Well, she's as good as gone for a while." Being human apparently means that they know better than to jump into a mess.

On the other hand, humping a pillow clearly transcends man-animal boundaries.

When I was a yearning little girl, my pillow could be smoothed into the broad shoulders of my heartthrob. And if a little pelvic thrust came into play at a pivotal fantasy moment, well, who would be the wiser? The Dog-King, possessed of a fleeting hormonal urge, frankly hops into position and wildly humps for 20 or 30 seconds... eventually becoming distracted by a passing siren or Shiz-tzu.

It appears we have more in common than not. And so when I observed a pack of well-heeled homo sapiens indulging in that most animalistic of pleasures in my living room Saturday night, I simply had to hand it to those naughty dawgs.

But it was one at time, buster-- one at a time.

The Doctor is in! Please take off your pants...

Today, a gent asked the following:

Curious what the best way to catch a lady's attention is in sending emails... I always have been curious and would love to know how many emails you ladies receive in say a day. I don't want to be passed over or trashed!! What should the subject of the email be to catch your attention to read further and hopefully lead to your reply and then some?

Dr. Tabu replies:

Don't be cute. If you put in your subject line:

I'm your stud-muffin, Tabu!!

I'm going to think you're crackers or a 15-year-old boy.

However, if you put:

Possibility of appointment March 3 at 8pm?

I'll open YOURS first! (Then maybe I'll open mine!)

____________________________________________________

Successful providers' mailboxes are afloat every day with:

"Wishful thinking" emails (When will you be touring to Sitka, Alaska?)

"Maybe her IQ's dropped" emails (You don't know me but I'm in Room 178 at the Day's Inn; can you be here in a hour?)

"Please get me off" emails (Hey, baby, I've got a big hard one for you. Can you handle my 10-incher? Call me now!)

"I'm a cop or clueless or both" emails (Do you offer BBBJ, multiple shots and can I bring a buddy?)

and so on....

My advice-- be pleasant, business-like and think about the impression you're making.

After all-- your first letter is like a first interview. Make it count!

My contribution to National Security....

I told you I was a patriot!!


Have a great weekend-- I'll be busy hiding the weenie!

Puritanism at Playboy: Pitying the Girls Next Door

What happens when you shack up with the oldest playboy in America?

Apparently, not much.

For a year now I've been indulging in a guilty boob-tube pleasure... setting my TIVO for The Girls Next Door, the reality-based account of Hugh Hefner and his three platinum "girlfriends" Holly, Bridget and Kendra. They're delightfully oblivious to the actual real world, as they order room service, shop for designer g-strings and buckle up in the Playboy jet for jaunts to Monte Carlo.

On the surface, it's simply ducky. But as I've dipped my toe in the Playboy pool over the past few months, a sad little trend has emerged as an undercurrent in the girls' daily lives.

Chastity.

The youngest, 22-year-old Kendra, clearly feels her hormones kicking in; she's the breast-flashing, skirt-flipping tease on almost any occasion where there are attractive men present. In a recent episode, she railed at the girls' 9PM curfew. Bridget, the most demure of the group, would fit in at the local PTA. Hef's main squeeze, the ambitious Holly, does share the king's bed... but in flannel PJs and with a bowl of popcorn.

A blind man couldn't miss the irony. Hooked up with the man who practically invented the sexual revolution and the closest these bunnies get to satisfaction is their Rabbit. (See battery-operated boyfriend.)

What's a MILF to think? That LA's finest surgical enhancements, pricey sex-kitten duds and peroxide do not a sex life make.

So to the "girls" and Grandpa, I say, "It's your cage, welcome to it."

To my own decidedly less glamorous but genuine "let's go" sex-style, I say "Hallelujah!"

Because you know what they say. There's no business like "go" business!

If only it had been Walgreens.....

Have you noticed that the more exclamation marks someone uses, the more they appear to be writing directly from the Loony Bin? This proposal, apparently from a very excited individual, came in my email yesterday.

I was wondering if you were available tonight? I love watching a woman smoke! It really turns me on! I am very serious about seeing you! You look SO hot in your eros-miami ad!! Are you still available tonight? Again, I am very, very, very serious about seeing you TONIGHT!!!

Do you smoke in real life? If so, what brand? If you don't mind, could you show up smoking Virginia Slims 120's when you come to see me? That is a major fantasy for me!

I want to have a really good time! I will be back in Miami about every 3-4 weeks and I would love to have someone like you that I could see while I am here!

I have tried to find someone, but no-one is willing to do what I want...so...here's what I want to do! Could you meet me at the CVS on 88th Street in Kendall (I'll give you the address and directions if you are sure you want to see me)...dress very HOT and SEXY (really high heels and a very sexy dress)...and then follow me back to my hotel after we have gone shopping!

Here's what I can offer you!!!! I can pay you $450 cash...give you a $700 laptop...and take you on a shopping spree at CVS (you can buy mp3 player, tv, or whatever you want up to $300) and then back at my hotel you order champagne, beer and etc. from Room Service ($100).

Are you interested? If so, I will give you my phone number and we can hook up tonight!!!

Damn, it's tempting. A girl could score a lot of Crest on a gig like that.

Back in the saddle (again!)

Woo-hoo and Yippee-oh-cayay!

Bounced back through stormy skies last night to finally float peacefully down in Ft Lauderdale, and boy, am I ready to play. Nothing like a little enforced chastity to get your girl going.

Indulge me, will you?

You have my number (in more ways than one!)

Round 'em up, head 'em out!

It's the Tabu Two-Step... yep, I'm rounding up all my conservative duds and heading out to Small Town, Texas tomorrow....

So, please. If you see your little vixen in the airport or on the buffet line with two white-haired folks between now and Tuesday, smile a secret smile to yourself. But Mom--er, I mean MUM's the word.

I'll be leaving my naughty girl side in Florida for the duration.

I'll be thinking of you!

kisses,

Tabu